Hey unloving;

I will love you.

The girl said three words through the pixelated screen and her counterpart and I was smitten. You used to say them to me, often but not quite enough, but when you do, you knew no matter what you did, no matter how angry or upset I was, I wouldn't resist you. I couldn't resist you. You're not coming back. I'm not going back. Not this time. But I think a small part of me still hope that you would be standing right outside my house, behind the gate, right below that lamp post with that all so irritating but lovely smirk of yours, just waiting for me to go out so you can say it and prove me wrong.

"Silly girl, come here you" 

Yes.

Baked;

Some days, even the best red velvet and cookies and cream cupcakes, along with the freshest loaf of butter bread from Lavender and a packet of Famous Amos's chocolate chips with an extra large scoop of Haagen Daz can't help. I believe it went like this; I was once in love and we would spend days lying in the barley field, sketching our dreams onto the sky with your laughter ringing in my ears. Shhh you said, with your head on my chest, I'm trying to listen. I was once in love and it was filled with mellow days that smelled like purple and dried tulips, you would play old records and vinyl and we would leave with leafs in our hair. I was once in love but you stopped playing along and so I was left at the castle along with our dreams and paper crowns. I was once in love but not anymore. I was not in love but then I heard your voice, whispering words I longed to hear most and I fell. Again. Again. And again. 

Toast;

You look at me with those maze like eyes of yours and I wonder just what do you see. Are you looking at an average girl, of an average height with average features and who is constantly lost for words? Or is she really as stunning and as fascinating as you tried to convince her? Is your image of her clean and pure or has it been long tarnished by all the unkind words you heard muttered behind her back and shouted in front of her face? Can you hear the nervousness behind her witty lines? Or even see the insecurity and self-hatred she tried to masked with fancy clothes and lushes hair? Will you forgive her for her naivete and her past? And will you see pass her flaws and give her a chance to prove her worth? Because my darling, she might be difficult but she will never do you wrong.

I will never do you wrong.

The obvious.

"Now we just need to get on to the next part"

"I'm not sure we can"

You don't call. It's not your 'thing' to call and so you never did. Even when the blame was on you, even if you wanted to, even when you had to, when I plead you to, you don't. I on the other hand, had all your numbers on speed-dial. So imagine my surprise when my phone came alive. Not once. Not twice. But four times in total. "You know me too well," you said to me, approximately centuries ago, "sometimes, I think you know me better than I know myself." Correction: I do know you better. Your facade cracks and your voice would always betray you to me. That's why I can always tell. That's why I wasn't disappointed.

"My phone acted on its own. I never meant to call."

Tulips;

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that this is it. This is the end. Funny because I expected something a little more dramatic, like a grand finale sort of thing but all it took was less than ten words from me and for you to simply agree and that was it. Static. Now we just need to get on to the next part.

the most incredible nothing

It's real simple.

Pick one.

a) You get to know me. Make an effort, get talking, listen, gain my trust, take down the boundaries and learn every possible detail inside out.

or

b) Don't judge.



I don't think about you anymore

but I don't think about you any less.

---

As you tighten and loosen, just to tighten again your grip on the spaces between my fingers, I couldn't help but feel nostalgic. There was something else too. Something i haven't felt in a long time. The same thing that produces butterflies, weak knees and give everything a soft glow, like its under the rays of the morning sun. Something warm and soothing, like hot chocolate in a snow storm. Dopamine. Our shadows were definitely on dope.

Maybe i should get twitter. This constant need to be heard is not good for blogs. Oh well. I should really stop stalking you.

Let's hope for your sake that this is not just a game.

Why?

Because life isn't a wish granting factory. Because we don't always get what we want. Because i never get what i want. Because i can only remember wishes that didn't come true. Because I'm afraid that I might not be good enough for you. Because you make me feel like an idiot. Because you only start to care when I don't. Because you can't start a sentence with a because. Because because is a conjunction. 

Warning;

So maybe yesterday wasn't so bad. Okay, maybe it went better than i expected. Okay, maybe i had no expectations, which made things so much more perfect. Okay, deja vu much.

I had been out for too long

but I still love a good game.

So play it hard because that would only fuel my desire.

I can't do well when I think you're gonna leave me but I'm gonna try. Are you gonna leave me now?

--

Stupid move. But nothing to worry about. Probably won't remember this in a year's time. But still... Damn. Should have made a game plan.