2014, 

I dare you to be worse 

and I dare you to be better

Come on, hit me with your best shot.

"Do you love me?"

In your hesitation I found my answer.

Healy;

Matthew Healy. 

I mean, just look at his hair. 

And his voice. 

Epitome of sex. I swear.

Day 4.

I was fine until the waitresses from our favorite restaurant asked about you.

"mana pakwe adik?"

The two types of breaks;

1) I'm taking some time off to learn, recollect, and love myself so that I can come home to you as a whole.

2) I need to figure out if I'm home when I'm with you.

untitled #4

I'm not as brave as I was at the start.

12:24

There are different degree of sadness. There is the I'm so sad, there's nothing to talk about, no amount of words spoken that would help. I think I'll just sit in the corner ( or in my case, on the floor ) and drown in my own sorrows. There is the I'm so sad, I need to rant to somebody about all the miseries life have ever thrown at me. It may or may not be relevant to why I was sad in the first place but I'll bring it up anyway. Then comes my favourite, I'm so sad, the boulder from my writer's block magically dissapeared and unearthed my reservoir of words along with it. I wasn't kidding when I said I write best when I'm miserable. I'm going to write, write and write. I am going to write about you and you are not going to like it. Not one bit.

The problem is, the things I wanted to tell you most would lose its meaning the moment I put them into words. Do you understand?

Happen, with me ♥

Green eyed monster;

This is a war that I cannot win. 

Because how on earth do you outwit your own mind?

cautionary tale;

Don't test the depth of the water with a foot.

Just dive in.

wilt.

bloom.

I'm trying so hard to keep all my feels at bay but you're not helping.

Look;

You see me but you don't see me, at least, not the way I want you to. You see me, you see right through me, right through to her. So you see me, you do see me but you don't see me. At least, not the way I need you to.

Seriously tho;

--

I am extremely thankful. Like you won't even believe.

But that's all there is to it.

If the whole world was blind, how many people would you impress?

Funny if you really thought about it.

Grant Gustin, sex on a stick.

Found my title in one of my many unpublished posts. On a somewhat related (Glee) note, if Kurt rejects Blaine's proposal next season, I swear I will still continue watching this series because I need my favourite gay couple living happily ever after, together. I mean come on.

freedom.

minimalistic;

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

It's so clean that it makes it somewhat beautiful. Okay folks, it's official. 

This is an adver. for friends.

If you are:

1) A concert go-er

2) Food lover

3) Active in sports

4) Have a car (& licence!)

Call me maybe?

Ghost;

A year ago I wrote a post saying that whatever I did then probably won't matter in a year. Unfortunately,  my past came back to haunt. Good job. Virtually pats myself on the back. Real good job.

Untitled #3

I avoid social networks because I'm afraid that I would see something that would make me doubt you. And I was right to avoid.

Saudade;

Another day wasted at education fairs, campus tours and scholarship applications. I just wish that no matter which path I take, it would somehow lead me to you.

Untitled #2

I feel it sometimes. The distance. Most times, it's barely noticeable. Like when we text or when I hear your soft breath over the line. Other times, I can feel it in my chest, sucking out every single ounce of oxygen, brinks on my thread like veins.

I can't help but wonder : Is affection really enough?

9 and a half.

Stop the congratulations and the all the damn celebrations. Not at least, until I send it in for a recheck and get what I deserved.

Fact #6

I love fresh milk. Sucks that I'm lactose intolerant.

Fact #5

I am not awake at least half the time that I'm awake. That is why I don't like to drive. I am looking at the road in front of me and sometimes I don't see it and the thing is I am god damn afraid that I won't be able to snap myself out of that state of semi-unconsciousness because I am not only accountable for myself anymore but also everyone else around me and man I hate driving. Plus I am always getting lost.

Fact #4

I talk really fast, in general. Like an energizer bunny on steroids when I'm excited/mad.

It's not rocket science.

Fear of failure = fear of rejection = fear of people

Fact #3

I only write when I'm sad. Like a sudden pang of sadness that leaves me rather empty, kind of sad. I write to fill that void. I haven't been writing in a while and you must think that's a good thing because it probably means I'm happy or at least, content. Negative. I seemed to taken things to the next level where I am perpetually upset and even penning the next great american novel won't be enough.

Fact #2

I feel more comfortable ranting / writing on my blog than on twitter because twitter is too out there. Like as if my blog is any more hidden seeing I linked my blog on twitter but hey, whatever.

Fact #1

I am socially awkward. Like realllllllllly awkward.

“

This will be my 8th untitled document
And the last document I’ll need to complete
Every last sentence, I’ll speak this to you in confidence, that I know now
That we are the same heart
Because hurt is inevitable, and although hurt seems stronger than any of your last I love you’s and any of your beautifully woven hurricane thoughts
About how you feel
We still knock on each others’ door to hear the heart’s footsteps anxiously run closer to welcome us in
But before I let you love
Kick off your shoes, please
Destroy your shoes, set fire to your fucking shoes 
Because I’ve been walking bare through the muds of empty promises and frost ridden blades of grass and rocks so sharp they could
Cut my soles and you’d be bled of me, whole-heartedly
Swept away like a red nile, overflowing this whole damned city
Of hurt so bad I’ve had to catch my breath perchance I’d exhale every second thought I’ve had of simply abrogating your existence
Of canker soars from all of the deeply salted wish chips that I’ve wished, for one more kiss, or two more kisses
Of regretting turning myself inside out
A dandelion waiting for October until the wind dries out
And all is left is an unlovable, bulbous stem
Children stomp on flowers like that
Well, most that is

This was going to be a 
Sad poem
A
I’ll never hold you again
poem
A dissolving of apparent sweet nothings that tasted as sweet as anything real that I’ve allowed myself to indulge in
But you stopped me
Told me you needed time
That the clock in your room wasn’t big enough for the hope that you had that one day things would work
That gears were grinding in these clocks, they’re just too small to hear
And there are millions of grains of sands in this hourglass of years
But it’s only been two weeks, and fear haunts the senses
Making each touch feel like 500 volts, and I illuminate my darkest secrets
The amount of times I’ve resisted the urge to hold your hand, 
many, 
the hateful words I’ve constructed, 
plenty,
The worth I had when you slipped and pulled my hand to the pavement,
pennies
And as you remove your vest and hang it up
On the rack closest to my aorta
I want you to know that my heart is your home

And that, we all fuck up sometimes
Even this January rains
Even dandelions turn white and old
But that doesn’t make them any less than they ever were
This is my 8th untitled document
The one that will outshine the 7 bitter storms of words that I couldn’t write

I love you for stopping me

”

—	Untitled 8, Lucas Regazzi

Grace;

I am well aware that this post is eleven days late but it literally just struck me that I have graduated from high school and all my life, the only plan was UPSR > PMR > SPM. That's it. The end. No one ever told me where to go from there. It is so strange to wake up on a weekday, in January and not be rushing to finish up my homework and then to school. But since that is the case right now, to be honest, I'm dumbfounded and lost.

2012 was a pretty shitty year. I was betrayed, stressed out, pulled in multiple direction, sleep-deprived, tea-filled, sick(literally), freaked out, I spent half of my time sending off the people I love, the other half fighting it all out in meaningless arguments and defending my one dream that has been deemed impossible. Overall, it was a year of transitions and as it ends, a huge part of me ends with it.

A new year brings new beginnings and for 2013, this is especially true because for one, I am no longer tied to school, I have so much more time to do the things I want to do. Two, without the comfort of my friends, I need to go out and socialize more and hopefully meet more people thus be less foreveralone. Three, venturing into new environments is an adventure on its own and that can only mean more opportunities for me to capture. There's just so much to learn, so much the world can offer me and  I'm excited for it.

My two thousand thirteen new year's resolution is split into a few categories but basically it is i) to learn something new everyday and ii) live one day at a time.

I tell myself every new year that year is going to my greatest and it never worked out that way but this year, this year is going to be my year. I can just feel it.

So I kiss you goodbye 2012, and I humbly embrace you, 2013.
May you be good to us all.
  

Earth to you;

What did you expect? 

Nothing, she said. Nothing at all.