Dirty;

The holocaust was bewitching, I couldn't keep my eyes off the giant mushroom that's taking shape right out my window. I'm not much of a mushroom person but this one, this one took the fungi family to a whole new level. It was breath-takingly delicious looking to say the least. I gave you a chance to peek when you burst into my musky room after taking the door down and we debated the size of the brass couldron needed off Diagon Alley. More came to our humble hut with their shiny automatic machineries and firearms, all failing to take note of the world outside that panel of glass, "Guilty" they charged me and the hurricane went with our roof. The light filtered through or the lack of, was blinding but in a good way. I was filled with this strange sense of serenity and happiness, for the first time in a long time. Chaos. Serenity in the midst of chaos, such contradiction.

Grapes;

I was stuck in middle of a hurricane that rains down unpredictable turn of events. That strong force of nature dissipated and I am left with remnants of what I used to call life. You took your place on what's left of the ground, groaning with your hands over your beautiful face. It's going to get better, I said with your mouth. I just have to get better.

An open apology;

I am restless, reckless and relentless but I'm not easy. You can tell, can't you? I talk a good game and you get disappointed because it was all talk and the field was fucking empty. You knew, didn't you? I talked you up when you could never win. The price had never been intended to be given away. It wasn't even up for bargain because it was sold long ago. I was selfish. It was obvious that I was at war with over. I prefer the term "hiatus". A pause. To be continued. But I managed convinced you otherwise. Just for kicks.

So for that and for everything else, I'm sorry.

Yes, this is for you. And everyone else but you.

Phosphenes;

"Will you tell me how long you have loved him?"

"It has been coming on so gradually that I hardly know when it began."

When it wasn't on, I had every word memorised, the syntax of your speech was stored at the back of my mind for further analysis, every gesture was highly amplified and every clue, existed or not was taken into account. When it was on, all that faded, it wasn't as significant anymore. Hints and bold affection were brushed off while meaningless details were picked on and regarded as a vice. Sparks were buried. Doubts resurfaced. The silence not as comfortable. Conversations went on for just a little too long.

1 814 400. I'll commit in 1 814 400.

cole mohr;

I love him, I swear.

Nicknames;

I'm used to the hollowness so this feeling terrifies me. There's a saying that they only hand you happiness to take it away from you. I genuinely rather have nothing at all than to lose it again.

I can't be in between.

Cinema;

You asked me for the millionth time as if my answer would turn out differently the next time around, when it was you, yourself whom you should have asked. Emotional distress, no joke.

Oats;

I figured I'm torn between what I want and what I think I want. While i know very well that if you were to ask, every fibre in my body would be jumping to say yes but at the same time, I thought about how you treated me and refused me, those fibres would like you to have a taste of your own medicine first. Cupcakes?

And run;

Today I met a boy. No, this is not what you think it is. Yes, I'm well aware that this sound like a love story just waiting to happen but trust me, it's not. Today I met a boy, at least I took noticed of him. I have seen him around before but I never really noticed until this very evening. He's nothing of particular significant except for the fact that he's a boy, a boy who is very open with his affections. He hugged and mingled with everyone in the room and frequently expressed his love for quite literally everything and I stood there, amazed. He made it seemed so easy and I'm here, with a profound fear of intimacy, can't even smile at a tree without it trying to decipher my codes and bad intentions. I guess I just don't have that kind of innocence that allows me get away with it.

-

Warm milk, I need.

Legend;

Let me tell you why this is more likely to not work out;

1. It's easier to lose than gain trust
2. I can't guarantee you anything
3. She would cast me as the witch, a role far from lead
4. To the audience, I might as well be
6. So in which story did the witch live happily ever after?
7. End.

Looking for misery;

but you found me.

Let's be honest, it wasn't a valid a reason but since when have we ever needed a reason to do what we want? The firewall was never down, I smiled, knowing then, that was what I needed all along.